Ode to my ugly notebook

Oh, how I enjoy looking at my pretty Moleskins, my girly Paper Blanks, my sturdy hardcover Italian ones from that specialty store down town. All my precious notebooks are sitting there, staring blankly at me. Sometimes I pick one of them up and browse through its empty pages.

It’s like having a closet full of cocktail dresses.

And what do you wear, day in day out? That brown hoodie. That well-worn cotton shirt.

What do I write in? That ugly notebook with pre-perforated pages, a shoddy spiral binding and floppy cover. No fancy memento pouch, no thick paper you could draw watercolours in. This one cost me a whopping € 1,25.

Is there a morale to this story? I’m attached to this fantasy life in which I will wear a cocktail dress and sit by the banks of the Seine in Paris, scribbling away in my fancy notebook. I should probably stop buying Moleskins. And donate the ones I have to a white person with ‘great ideas’.

Barking up the wrong tree

You don’t need a dog to go for a walk - I reminded myself as I was walking briskly through the park. I had taken a break in a busy day, but my mind was still occupied with my to-do-lists. They were all about the money. How to find new clients, design new products, and finding out what that SEO thingie was my blogging guru’s keep going on about;) I had been so preoccupied with work, I had not been writing much. Had in fact not been writing at all for a couple of weeks.

Then, as I felt every irregularity of the path underneath my feet (I walk on these), a Joni Mitchell song popped into my head. That happens a lot. Comes with the job of being a wacky poet type.

‘And he played real good for free.’ I remembered I wasn’t making any money writing poetry, and that I was actually feeling okay about that. But this isn’t a fairy tale, it’s just a blogpost. I also remembered the mortgage payment was due soon, and that was okay too. You need to be a merchant to survive in this world. But it is so easy to be fooled into thinking that’s all you need to be. The pull to give into mindless consuming and mindless working is very strong. It is tempting to try to satisfy your creative needs by buying art, or to try to escape boredom by passive entertainment.

In order to thrive, to really blossom as an artist, you also need to be like a monk. You need to retreat from the world of buying and selling, of advertisements, of wanting, of being busy, of productivity, of to-do instead of to-be. You need a turning-inwards, a quieting. And then the desire to give freely of yourself and your talents will arise spontaneously. You need to ground yourself firmly in the here and now, feel every pebble on your path, hear the dogs bark on a drizzly Monday afternoon.

I’ll leave you with some words from monk and Sufi master Rumi from his poem Love Dogs:

“The grief you cry out from
draws you toward union.
Your pure sadness that wants help
is the secret cup.
Listen to the moan of a dog for its master.
That whining is the connection.
There are love dogs no one knows the names of.
Give your life to be one of them.”

(Trans. Coleman Barks)

Nightly cravings

Hello my loyal readers (all three of you)! Being the queen of procrastination, I saw it fit to set a new record in non-blogging over the past three months. What can I say, I’m a natural. Also, I’m pregnant, which is my excuse for everything these days. One of the perks of pregnancy is waking up at four a.m. famished, staring into the fridge for a long time figuring out what would satisfy your craving the best, and then catching your dazed reflection in the kitchen window, that big white belly reflecting light like a serious competitor for the full moon outside. After much deliberation you go for the banana-yogurt-honey combo, take your bowl back to bed with you and devour your snack quicker than you can say ‘heartburn’. What does this have to do with writing, you ask? One of those nights I realised the craving for food is an apt metaphor for the craving to write.

If you feel the craving to write, but choose to ignore it and deny yourself the pleasure of creation, non-writing becomes a kind of creative diet, maybe even a hunger strike. A kind of self-torture where the non-writing means at least you still have control over your creative process (by not allowing it to flourish). Like being on a diet means you can feel in control over your body by suppressing the very natural desire to eat. The illusion of mind over matter, as it were. In other words, no matter how much you think you want to write, your behaviour is telling you you want to non-write even more. There’s a pay-off in the non-writing. You somehow feel all skinny and pretty when you do not write. Or: all save and secure. Or: all organised and respectable – not one of them crazy bohemian artist types who can’t pay their rent. What is your pay-off?

Four books on creative writing you should know about

Yesterday I reread Natalie Goldberg’s ‘Writing down the bones’, and it’s one of those books that have magical powers. Immediately after finishing, I grabbed my notebook and started writing a diary entry. Something I hadn’t done in weeks. This got me thinking about books on writing that have been my teachers. Of course you learn most from reading books in the genres you write yourself. And the novels, plays, poems that speak to you most tell you something about your own texts that no book on writing can do. Second to reading, having real live teachers is definitely better than learning from a book on writing. (And I’m not just saying that because I teach writing.) However, sometimes you need a quick fix… So here’s a selection of my current favorites.

 

Natalie Goldberg – Writing down the bones, Long quiet highway, Wild minds
Because like Goldberg I am both a poet and a zen student, I have a great affinity for her philosophy of writing as ‘practice’. This non-judgemental attitude is a healthy antidote to today’s results-oriented society. Her gently encouraging voice has brought me solace at various points on my writing path.

Ray Bradbury – Zen in the art of writing
I realise my choices are some of the most well-known books on writing out there… If you have a undiscovered little gem for me to read next, please let me know! Bradbury’s book of essays is probably already sitting on your bookshelf. But still, I loved it so much! His passion and sense of humour shimmer through everything he writes. His concept of The Thing at the top of the stairs, that nightly childhood fear that somehow needs to be explored in your writing, that really got me started.

Julia Cameron – The artist’s way
The ‘American’ twelve-step-ish approach really got on my (European, cynic) nerves. Especially the assignments to do with incanting affirmations about ‘the great Creator’ did not sit well with me at all. However, Cameron’s techniques of the Morning Pages and the Artist Date got me out of the worst writer’s block I have ever experienced. For that, I am very grateful. It’s been many years since I first worked with her book, and I still use these techniques to great effect.

Peter Elbow – Writing without teachers
I came very late to this golden oldie, but had discovered much of his ideas through the work of other writing teachers. This one is particularly useful if you are part of a writing group, and are looking for ways to give honest feedback that does not intimidate the writer but encourages him or her. Elbow’s prompts for vocalising your reaction(s) to a text range from the very experimental (‘What kind of weather does this text remind you of?’) to down-to-earth (‘Summarize the text in a single sentence’).

Beginner’s Mind

Today I am looking for my beginner’s mind. It is hiding under a big pile of preconceptions and goals I have about my writing. Preconceptions such as: I am standing on a mountain of all my previous writings. If the next piece doesn’t fit in, the whole mountain will come down. Another preconception: I know what I want to write about. And: This new bit will be like this other bit, only better. I know exactly what to do. And goals such as: This has to be better than the last poem I wrote. I have to choose a fresh theme, not something I have already written about extensively. Even making ‘freshness’ a goal does not clear the way for beginner’s mind to show up.

I am looking for that open, eager attitude of  ‘let’s just see what happens’ and ‘this might be fun’. It’s what Zen Buddhists refer to as ‘Shosin’. They consider it an essential element of Zen training to preserve the beginner’s mind. To use the words of Zen teacher Shunryu Suzuki: “The goal of practice is always to keep beginner’s mind” and “In the beginner’s mind, there are many possibilities. In the expert’s mind, there are few.” (From ‘Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind). I don’t yet consider myself an expert, but I do sometimes feel past experiences and the expectations coming from them to be a burden on my ‘practice’, my writing. When this happens, I get carried away in trains of thought, instead of being aware and focused on the present situation.

I don’t know what your own preconceptions and goals regarding your writing are, but I’m pretty sure they will be staying with you for a long time. You might swap one goal for another, or gain a preconception, but the ‘expert’ in you is here to stay. When this is a burden on your writing, gently direct your attention to the task at hand, putting words on the page, one after the other. When this is not helping at all, you can try to experience beginner’s mind by doing something you are an absolute beginner at. I’m late for my first Extreme Ironing workshop, see you next week!

How to be an original

‘I’m afraid my theme is not very original…’ one of my clients emailed me. ‘There are so many books out there with the same subject matter.’ She was in the middle of a novel based on her own experiences as a young mother. She had had a postpartum psychosis.

And just as she was struggling with this theme, wondering if it was not getting too personal, a new star rose to the top of the bestseller lists: a novel about a young mother who suffers from a postpartum psychosis. To make matters worse, this book had also been adapted for the big screen. This story was everywhere: in the media, on billboards, in people’s conversations. For my client, it was very disheartening.

‘What can I possibly add?’ she wondered.

I knew how she felt. When I started university, I was equal parts intimidated and inspired by all the great poetry I was discovering. Sometimes a lot more intimidated than inspired. To help my client overcome this frustrating feeling that she had nothing to contribute I told her she was absolutely right:

Tons of great books have been written.

More even than she is aware of. And basically all of the themes she can think of have already been written about. Modern theories on storytelling are full with lists and overviews of ‘all’ the basic stories we humans tell eachother. Some, like Joseph Campbell’s Hero ‘with a thousand faces’ and The Writer’s Journey by Christopher Vogler presume there is one universal ‘journey’ underlying all great stories. And there’s only a finite (some say 36) number of ‘dramatic situations’ your heroes can be subjected to (‘Murderous Adultery – check, Madness – check, Revolt – check). To cite Monthy Python’s The Life of Brian:

‘We are all individuals’ – ‘Well, I’m not!’

Everyone has a unique voice, a unique way of telling their stories. You don’t have to try to be original: you already are, whether you like it or not. And you don’t have to go on a queeste to find an original plot or theme: they don’t exist. So, to quote the British Ministry of Information: Keep Calm and Carry On.

One is the lonelinesst number

Writing is a solitary activity. Yeah, you knew that already. And you need silence and you need to turn your focus inwards to write something powerful. But you can take this attitude too far. Just because most of your writing is done while you are by yourself, does not mean you should feel isolated or lonely as a writer. In fact, some writer friends might be just what you need if you are feeling blocked or less creative than you’d like to feel. Whether it is for peer critique, commiseration, advice, ‘networking’, or brainstorming, having some writer friends will help your writing immensely. Just knowing there are others out there going through the same things (on the internet, or around the corner) is a comfort. And if you can find one or two people who have faith in your writing, and the direction it is heading, even when you yourself do not, you are one very lucky writer.

Peer pressure

I have noticed this with running, writing and most notably with meditating: I personally need some good old peer pressure to keep me going. I attend weekly zen classes. Every summer the zendo closes for two months. Every year the same thing happens: I stop meditating regularly. During the year, I practice zen at home about five days a week. A couple of weeks into the summer break, this is down to one or two times a week. At the end of the summer, I am not meditating at all. I am probably an extreme example, but for me the sense of community I get from going to the zendo is absolutely vital to my practice (let alone being supported by a teacher, but that is something for another post).

Play dates

If you have writer friends, get in touch with them this week. Email them a text you wrote (you might want to send only a couple of pages instead of your whole trilogy at once though…), or meet up at a poetry reading or at the theatre to savour some good words together. Have a date at the library or a bookshop, to exchange current favorites on your reading list. If you don’t really have anyone to share your writing with, maybe signing up for a writing course or a writing group is a good idea. There are also plenty of meeting places online. I, for one, think you are great just the way you are, blocked or not, and I would love to read some of your stuff. So mail me at blocktobloom[at]gmail[dot]com or send me a comment. Don’t be a stranger!

Kill your distractions

As you may have noticed, I usually post here on Fridays. I figured giving myself a weekly deadline would help me avoid procrastinating. It’s working so well, I’m posting this one on a Wednesday… Making a decision once – posting every Friday – means I don’t have to decide every day if I will write a new blog post (insert your genre of choice here). I’m a sucker for deadlines. And because I know when I should be writing, when that moment comes, I’m fully prepared (to put on my Writing Hat, fetch some coffee, and hide in my moldy cave build out of books – sorry, ‘office’ ).

Dealing with distractions

Now, in my cave it’s very quiet and there’s nobody else allowed in there. And to me, this is an ideal writing situation. However, once every couple of weeks, I’ll crawl out and visit a neighbourhood coffee shop. Squinting against the daylight, I will hide in a corner, observing everyone around me while hopefully not drawing any attention towards my (pale, sickly) self. Amidst the buzz and noise, I’ll dive right back into my text and get to work. To me, the noises and activity of a coffee shop are not distractions, I can easily ‘tune them out’ and when I’m taking a small break I’ll let them in again and enjoy feeling somewhat related to the rest of mankind. However, working on a computer that has internet access IS a major distraction to me. I constantly have the urge to go online for some ‘research’. For example, at the moment I really want to know how Sandra Bullock is doing. So I need to unplug from the interwebs for a bit if when need to upgrade my productivity.

Know your enemies

What are your distractions while writing? (I hope your answer is not ‘the oncoming traffic’ or ‘the angry mob at my front door’). Can you write with other people around? Do you enjoy listening to music while you write, or does that drive you nuts? Maybe you need to switch off your phone for a while, or hang a sign on your door. Try to figure out the right time and the right place for your writing, but don’t create some ideal distraction-free utopia in your head that is just never ever going to happen. I’m still waiting for a professional espresso machine to magically appear in my cave, but untill that sweet day comes, I’ll make do with filter coffee. If you’re a morning person, do try to squeeze some writing time in there, and if you get very grumpy if others walk in on you while you’re (trying to) write, do try to negotiate some sort of arrangement (‘I’ll be much nicer to you later on if you just leave me be right now’ – with an optional dosage of flirting).

Make a plan and stick to it… unless it’s Wednesday

So, you have identified and ruthlessly eliminated your distractions. You know how to set up a decent writing environment. You know where and when you are most likely to be productive. You can now make a plan, and fit your writing practice into your weekly schedule. Oh yes, I almost forgot to mention this: sometimes your plan will be brutally overruled by something called life. When this happens, please do not panic, but go with the flow. If your plan is to write for your blog on Friday morning, but if life offers you something much better, go for it!

Take it outside

made by adwriter@flickr.com

Maybe you have come to see writing as work, rather than play. Of course it is both, regardless of whether it pays your bills. All art can be seen as a form of ‘serious play’. If you are seeing your writing mainly as something useful or functional, you may not be open to experiment when you hit a rocky spot. To regain the balance, infuse your writing practice with some playfulness. Over here in Amsterdam the weather has been great this week. I have spent a lot of time outdoors, playing with my nearly three-year-old son in the park. Pre-schoolers are more interested in the process of creating something and exploring the materials at hand than in the final result. After building a tower nothing is more fun than tearing it down again to start over. Most little kids don’t get blocked. They play all the time. Coincidence? I don’t think so.

If you have issues with writing right now, take them outside. Go to a playground and sit on the swings for a while. Blowing soap bubbles is good too. Then explore your neighbourhood for scribbling possibilities. Can you create a non-permanent text on the pavement, release a balloon with a card attached, write something with your finger on a dirty car? Sow seeds in your garden in the form of a word or letter? Leave a secret message in the form of pebbles under a park bench? A great inspiration for exploring your environment is Keri Smith’s book How to be an explorer of the world If you really need to feel very grown up, doing something useful and productive at all times, you can call your outing ‘street art’

When your muse is just not that into you

When you two first met, the stars were blazing in the sky, the birds sung the entire Bacharach songbook, and you were dancing in the streets, admiring the graceful  way a dog was shitting on the pavement. And when your muse said: ‘Don’t call me, I’ll call you,’ you didn’t think anything of it. After all, you two had just had such a wonderful night/week/holiday. And then you started waiting by the phone. For a whole week. The longest, dreariest, dullest week of you life. She called, she whispered some brilliant ideas, a plot-turn and a couple of metaphors in your ears that only she could come up with, you eagerly set to work, and then: nothing. And it dawned on you that you don’t even have her last name, let alone an address, hell, you two aren’t even friends on Facebook.

This is where the magic happens
My dear writer, maybe it is time you considered the possibility that your muse is just not that into you. She doesn’t want to settle down, she’s not up for an exclusive relationship, she’s got plenty of other suitors whose novels, short stories and poems she might even enjoy more than she does yours. She won’t say this to your face, so I will. Stop waiting for those magic moments of inspiration. And start writing often, daily if you can. Even if it is only a sentence a day. In the middle of the bland, uninspired work you will produce, soon enough a few sparks will light up your texts.

Going steady again
And shortly after those first sparks, you will look at the world around you with a fresh sense of wonder. Now that your broken heart is mending, you start to open yourself up again. You find things out there in the world that move you, and move your pen too. And then out of the blue, those magic moments will happen again. And you discover you never needed your muse at all, you just needed to have a steady relationship with your writing.

To do
Write one sentence or line today. It’s okay if it’s a worthless, dull creature you’re making. In time you will breathe life into your words. Inspiration will come when you are too busy writing to look for it.